Monday, November 9, 2015

Facebook Games

I, like most poor souls suffering from a desperate need to fool people into thinking they have more friends than they actually do, am on Facebook.
Frightening territory, I know. Facebook is like that creepy playground from your childhood that was within walking distance of your house. Gee willickers, those monkey bars sure looked fun, but it was always way too busy and there were those weird kids randomly saying the strangest things to nobody in particular.

Although I admittedly don't use it for what it was intended for, which I assume is to keep people informed of my breakfasts, bowel movements and/or how many times I visit Starbucks on any and every given hour of the day. Yes, I admit I post some odd things from time to time, if at all.
I have to keep up appearances. I have to do my daily sweep of randomly 'liking' posts so people know I'm alive and not splayed out all over the kitchen floor with bacon-flavored caramel sauce oozing out my orifices.
I consider it my civil duty.

Sure I like your video of the hang-gliding camel. Of course I like that you're vacationing in the Bahamas.... without me. Oh, I certainly must like your photo album of that amazing party I was never invited to. You and all my 'friends' sure look like you had a GREAT TIME!!! :D
But it's all good. I've got my bacon-flavored caramel sauce.

All that nonsense is just a front so I can peruse Facebook for other purposes.
No, you pervert. I play one(1) game on there with my family, and that's it.

And the real issue I have with Facebook is that it thinks that somehow I'm unsatisfied with the one game I play. It keeps trying to lure me away to something wholly other.
Because if I like "Words With Friends" so much, why wouldn't I want to play "Super Canker Sore Saga 5"???

Beats me. Beats me with a stick. I'm sure somewhere in the fine print of Facebook's user agreement is some clause stating I must be actively playing at least 500 Facebook games at any given moment of my life. And these games don't even look as if the game designers themselves have played them.
Poor chaps. Facebook probably has them chained to the desk pumping them out one after the other.

I mean, LOOK:

I'm not even making this up. Not even the detailed clarification of the game's primary objective. There really is a game out there wherein the sole focus is the construction of a fudge brownie. Which I will point out (in case you aren't up to speed on this matter) can not be consumed in any physical shape or form.
Just another friendly heads up. Because according to Facebook, 8,200 gullible people have already fallen for this trickery.

But seriously, what on this sad little planet would possess me to invest my time in such a game as this? What possessed somebody to design a game like this? Or any of the other games they keep trying to distract me with?
I mean, how many stack-and-clear games do we really need?

I think I'll stick to Tetris, but thanks anyway.

And what about this one:

Whoa now! 10,000 suckers players?!?!?! Wow. How did they know I had an inner fashionista?
And that it needed to be freed?! Brilliant!! This revelation has awoken something in me that I've never known was there!!! My inner fashionista must be freed!!!!!!!

Okay, in all honesty I really don't think I'd need to play this game to accomplish my fashion dreams.
Just take a look at this incredible work of designer art I spent 2 weeks on:

With a little help from my pal and expert runway model, Christopher Walken, I AM a fashion star!!!
Watch out, fashion world, there's a new cat butt in town!!!!!

Yay me. :\

And then there are those games that try to tap into some assumed competitive gene of mine in an attempt to trick me into playing. They usually ask me if I can manage to reach some stupid goal in the game, hoping to trigger my inward desire to prove myself to....myself.
What they want me to say is, "Of course I can!!! I'm so awesome and I'll prove it to you right now!!!"
And then clicky clicky I get sucked into said game and before I know it I've lost 20 years of my life and nobody likes me anymore because somewhere down the line I forgot how to bathe.

Unfortunately in reality the actual result of the virtual goading looks a bit more like this:

Yeah. Great work, Facebook.
Now I'll have to go make another appointment with Dr. Kittywillow before I do something drastic like try to super glue my feet to the ceiling fan.


I don't understand how these game developers still have their jobs. Or better yet, how they got these jobs in the first place. Did they have to prove they were on drugs during the interview process?

I mean, what sort of degree do I need to produce THIS:

Penguin Diner? WOW! What a clever name! This game must've been 10 years in the making. No matter how hard I try (and believe me I'm snapping some serious muscles here) I just can NOT contain my excitement and intrigue over such a fascinating game. My life isn't crazy enough without the welcome addition of pretending to be a frenetic do-rag-wearing panic-driven penguin clearly on the verge of a midlife crisis and/or multiple homicides.
Sounds like a real hoot in a boot. Somebody hold me back.

Bottom line: I'm fine with my one(1) game on Facebook. It's fine. Really.
I don't have any desire to play Monkey Bread Madness or Tom Selleck: Poop Detective or PlantainVille or Repo Princesses or even Magic Glue Factory 3.

Seriously, Facebook, if you wouldn't mind, I'd rather not be forced into developing any more neurosis from here on out.
Thanks. :D

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