Bad Casting

I've noticed a disturbing trend in Hollywood this year, in which I discover some new movie which manages to pique my interest, but then I find out that it's starring somebody I absolutely detest.
The trailer-watching scene usually goes like this:

Relax, the Nintendo Zapper is simply a ruse intended to guilt my computer into repairing the damage done to my senses. Unfortunately I don't think it's working, because everytime I find some new movie this nonsense happens all over again.
And again.

Last year it was Looper. Bruce Willis, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Piper Perabo?????
WRONG
And then there was Prometheus with Charlize Theron.
WRONG
And there was also that "Robot and Frank". Which I admit I never saw but I'm sure is also
WRONG

Let's see how we've been doing so far this year...

1) Oblivion
Okay, the tag on IMDb says: "A veteran assigned to extract Earth's remaining resources begins to question what he knows about his mission and himself."
And it has the same director as Tron Legacy. Sounds promising...wait, NO. Tom Cruise?! Morgan Freeman?!! Tom Cruise??!!
WRONG

But, it's okay. I've fixed it:

"An easy-going veteran that looks, sounds and acts nothing like Tom Cruise whatsoever is assigned to extract Earth's remaining resources and begins to question outloud what he knows about his mission and himself, all while being really amazingly cool about it. Then he meets a guy who looks and sounds exactly like Terence Stamp and nothing like Morgan Freeman. And it's awesome."


2) The Great Gatsby
"A Midwestern war veteran finds himself drawn to the past and lifestyle of his millionaire neighbor."
Yes, it looks and sounds great....except for Tobey Maguire. And Donatello DiCarpio.

But I fixed it:

"A Midwestern war veteran with a Cockney accent finds himself drawn to the past and lifestyle of his awesome millionaire neighbor, who, despite all odds, really wants to win that car."


3) After Earth
"A crash landing leaves Kitai Raige (Jaden Smith) and his father Cypher (Will Smith) stranded on Earth, 1,000 years after events forced humanity's escape. With Cypher injured, Kitai must embark on a perilous journey to signal for help."

Ahahahahahaha. Okay, I admit the trailer looks pretty cool. And it's directed by M. Night Shamalamadingdong, so it's got some potential.
But......it's got Will Smith and his spawn fronting this operation. And no veterans, apparently.

So I fixed it:

"A crash landing leaves Kitai Raige (Christopher Walken) and his Vietnam veteran father Cypher (Terence Stamp) stranded on Earth, 1,000 years after events forced humanity's escape. With Cypher injured, Kitai must embark on a perilously whimsical journey to hail a cab."

See, movies are simply lacking when somebody somewhere forgets to include Mr.Walken.
Or Mr. Stamp, for that matter.
It's a crime no studio should commit.
That's part of the reason why my most recent theater experience looked somewhat like this: 

And that wasn't my only complaint with the film, or the theater attempting to provide quality entertainment for me and my family.
But that's another post that would be wise to ignore if it ever comes about.

I would simply request that casting directors stop abusing my delicate senses with these outrageous casting decisions. These decisions have caused me to suffer through a lot of needless nightmares:

A lot of these nightmares could've easily been prevented with a few simple moments of intelligent thinking.
This is why I've composed a little list of helpful steps for casting directors, or anybody in the film business that has control over casting:

1) STOP
2) Take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
3) Think of the children and scratch ________ from your list.
4) Replace him with Christopher Walken.
5) Pat yourself on the back and think of all the people you've saved!

I'm here to save the world, one poor casting decision at a time.