The Crazy Box

So while I was skimming the news the other day, I found an article stating that US President
Obama wants to raise $100 million for NASA, so that far into the future when I'm old and decrepit and no longer able to make public appearances without shouting "I am the walrus!" like Charlton Heston, NASA can go out and plant an asteroid in orbit around the moon, so that NASA, in all its putrefied glory can, well, do stuff.
Said project could actually cost over $2.6 billion.

There are your basic facts, folks.
Got it? No? That's great, I'll walk you through it.

First off, Obama(you know, the one that looks like Satan from that new Bible miniseries):

He's going to visit me and my family and, after I perform some moves modeled after William Shatner's stunt double, Obama will ship me and my family in carry-on cages and drop me off somewhere near Malaysia. It'll probably look something like this:

After which everything I own will be pawned off and the money put into the thing which I will refer to as 'the crazy box'. That's where the crazy comes from.

Then NASA is going to use my crazified money to build something like this:

But it's going to be really really superbly fantastically astronomically bigger than an alligator. NASA is going to use it to reach out and grab an asteroid:

THEN, they will send Bruce Willis, Steve Buscemi and Ben Affleck up there:

It's going to be called "Project Animal Crackers", and due to a severe lack of any practical light source on board the spacecraft they will crashland on said asteroid. But it'll be OK because the special effects budget will be funded by my pawned off DVD collection so it should look pretty cool.

If you squint.

Hard.

Okay, you'll need to close your eyes for the total effect, but anyhoo it's totally going to be worth every cent.
Once these guys get up there and are settled and mailing addresses forwarded etc some really amazing things are going to happen, things that will transform this world into a realm where puppies fly and unicorns ride unicycles and toilet paper is no longer pimped by bears. 
Yay!

There was a time in my life when I thought something like this would be incredibly fantastic. Around this time I was also dragging my mother to a Star Trek convention, where, due to an advanced level of childish stupidity on my part I thought the convention staff in Starfleet uniforms were actually from the Enterprise, and maybe I could convince one of them to take me with them.
This idea left me due to severe shyness and the notion that maybe they don't have Super Nintendo on the Enterprise.

See, back then I was stupid. I still believed in Santa Claus and the idea that one day Richard Dreyfuss would return to Earth. I had no concern for my sodium intake or what people thought of my calculator watch. My biggest fear in life was that I wouldn't get home from school in time to watch the newest episode of ST:TNG because(and I quote) "They never play reruns!!!!!"

Now I'm, well, now I'm less stupid. But I do know that this will be an absolute waste of money.
Money that could be used on more important things, like flying cars, better tasting bacon, less Wendy's commercials, and advanced dolphin repellent etc etc...

I'm also rather fond of my DVD collection. This is why the crazy box needs to stay shut.
Do not feed the crazy box.
The crazy box is not hungry. The crazy box is fine where it is, under the pillow pet, snuggled away in the corner of the closet next to the forgotten stash of Collective Soul CDs.
Please, for the sake of life on this silly little planet, leave it alone.

Now wait. Come back. I'm not lying about this! I never lie. Okay, I lied about the watch. What people thought of my calculator watch was the pinnacle of my childhood existence.
But this, I'm not lying. It's a serious matter and I hope that everyone will do everything they can to keep the unicorns off the road.

Thank you.