Saturday, May 18, 2013


I recently watched The Dark Knight Rises, which is an excellent movie for people who don't get caught up on questions such as "How does Bane enjoy the delicious flavor of Goldfish crackers?".

Which, I might add, is a great question. Throughout the film there seemed little evidence to suggest Bane could simply remove that fancy allergy mask of his and chow down on a Big Mac whenever he got the case of the munchies.
This is clearly a serious weakness of his, and I'm absolutely flabbergasted that the writers didn't
consider using this ploy to bring him down. Although perhaps they did, but Pepperidge Farm refused to cooperate.

Shame on you Pepperidge Farm!

You see, the complete lack of Goldfish crackers in his diet could be viewed as a serious source of tension in his life, and all Batman had to do to send him into a downward spiral of suicidal depression was to simply offer some to him.
I think I see a tear.

Seriously, over the past few days I've done massive amounts of extensive research on this subject and I've compiled all the information into a highly detailed diagram featuring all the data that I've managed to discover so far.

See? What more proof do you need? This fatal flaw in Bane's apparatus clearly has the potential to completely confound this supposedly unstoppable villian.  
And you might be thinking this sounds absolutely absurd because we both know that when Bane pushes his cart through Walmart he purposely skips past the cracker aisle, thus preventing him from encountering the vast array of Goldfish flavors this wonderful world has to offer.
This is why, after some deep thinking, I've come up with a much more plausible scenario: Bane at a baby shower.

Okay, maybe Bane tones it down at baby showers. Perhaps he has a soft spot for the fresh scent of Huggies. Certainly somewhere beneath his steroid physique and Abercrombie obsession he possesses a gentlemanly manner akin to what some might refer to as a bona fide Louisiana shoe salesman.
Or an ambiguous TJ Maxx employee.

So I'll rewind and update the scenario to include this hypothesis:

Now clearly these sort of situations must enter into Bane's life from time to time. There are plenty of people in the world to offer tasty morsels to people incapable of enjoying them. And by 'them' I'm referring to the tasty morsels, not the people. I'm not talking about cannibalism here.
What I'm talking about is the fact that Bane's life, much like my own, must be filled with situations that inevitably end with some form of torment. Most of which involve Goldfish crackers.

I'm sure Bane in all his ingenuity has looked into ways to soothe his agony. Maybe he jogs in the morning to relieve the stress. Maybe he has a tiny little bonsai garden which he prunes each day. Or he has a cat. Or a Sea-Monkey farm.
Or maybe he found a good self-help book.

Or maybe he found a good therapist.

Or maybe he takes out his frustrations by terrorizing cities, like, oh, let's say Gotham City.
Director Christopher Nolan might've had a hidden Goldfish cracker plot point underlying the story and it got cut from the film. If this is truly the case(and I'm betting it is) it has thrown the movie into a completely different direction, ultimately leaving us all to wonder what the heck Bane's problem is.

But, you see, he's not all that bad. He's just misunderstood. He'll bring cupcakes to your baby shower. He'll walk your dog. He's waiting patiently on Facebook, hoping to friend you so he can help you level up in Farmville. C'mon, give the poor guy a chance.
It's not his fault he's allergic to sunflower seeds. Or whatever.

So....anyway, as I said in the beginning of this post, The Dark Knight Rises is an excellent movie for people who don't get caught up on questions such as "How does Bane enjoy the delicious flavor of Goldfish crackers?".
Fortunately for everyone involved I'm not that kind of a person, and I enjoyed the film very much.
Goldfish crackers or not.

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