Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Scott Pelley

You might have noticed, by chance, that this post is titled "Scott Pelley". Did you notice that?
If not, please take the time to glance up a few inches.
It's okay, I'll wait...

See? I was telling the truth, by golly!
But seriously, do you know who Scott Pelley is?
Would you like to know? Do you even care? No? Great!! I'll calm your quiver of anticipation by explaining something you will try very hard later on to delete from your brain.

Well, for one thing, Scott Pelley is not to be
confused with Pelly the postal pelican from Nintendo's "Animal Crossing" video game:

Nor is Scott Pelley to ever be mistaken for the fantastical Exeter from that great classic "This Island Earth":

Gee willickers, I bet poor Scott gets that mix up ALL the time.
No, children, I'm talking about this man:

Yes, the Scott Pelley. You might've seen him on CBS Evening News and/or 60 Minutes.
He's the news anchor who's best known for methodically eating his glasses while interviewing people.

That's right, he puts the stems of his glasses in his mouth. On national television.
For everyone and their obese grandmother to witness.

Personally if he were interviewing me and he started doing that I'd have to fight the urge to smack it out of his mouth. I'm not much of a fighter so his glasses would be on the floor faster than you can say "Now that's better.".

You could be thinking "Why in the WORLD does he do that?". I'm not thinking that but I'm sure you are, so I'll humor your seemingly odd sensibilities by explaining some possibilities behind this bizarre behavior of this puffy cheeked man. Hopefully the information given will calm your soul and bring endless peace into that giant void in your life that's filled with the gnawing sense that something is seriously wrong with society.
And maybe it will also encourage you to burn your Snuggie.

I know you have one. Don't lie; I didn't. Remember? With the title thing? Yeah. We'll see about you...

So, why oh why does Mr. Pelley stick the stems of his glasses in his mouth? I don't even recall seeing him wear glasses on either CBS Evening News or 60 Minutes. And scratch the idea of reading glasses because I don't recall him using them to read anything either.
Honestly I have no proof the man can read. I've never witnessed any documented evidence  suggesting he's mastered the secret art of Hooked on Phonics.

So... if he doesn't wear them, and he doesn't use them, why does he have them on his person?
Or in his mouth??
Perhaps, in an attempt to feed his superiority complex, he's trying to imitate some of the influential stem-suckers of the past.
Famous people such as Woody Allen, Caesar Augustus, Gumby, Mr. Peabody, Captain Planet, Flava Flav, Austin Powers... the list goes on and on.
The fact is, Mr Pelley, sticking the stems of your glasses in your mouth does NOT make you look smarter than the person you're interviewing.
Quite the opposite. It makes you look like a hungry zombie, and last time I checked hungry zombies don't interview people. They eat them.
Scott Pelley, if you're reading this, please don't eat your interviewees. It's just not polite.
(by the way 'interviewees' is a very stupid-looking real word, which is also very stupid)

Speaking of eating and stupidity, there's also a very good possibility that these glasses of his aren't actually for seeing.

Yes, that's right. Consumable glasses. Maybe the stems of his glasses come in a variety of flavors:

As of this writing, I'm not currently aware of any company that would produce such novelties, but it would certainly explain why Mr. Pelley habitually inserts his glasses into his mouth every time he interviews somebody.
Knowing him, which I don't, he must have some connection with a Swedish underground eyeglass producer where he has them specially made.
Just for him.

Because he's just that cool. Too cool for school.
Just check out Captain Obvious here:
"I'm so cool I get my Schnapps for free."

Okay, maybe not that cool. He's almost veering over the edge into Shatnerdom there.
Which reminds me, has anyone else noticed the set design for CBS Evening News?
It's curiously similar to a certain classic TV show from the sixties...

But I really shouldn't be so harsh on the man.
Scott Pelley has had a lot of experience in his field. Gosh diddly he's been asking people retarded questions since he was a kid:

Okay, I really can't back that up. At least he wears pants now.

Okay, I can't back that up either. They always shoot him from the waist up.
By 'shoot' I mean with a camera. Not with a gun.
He's not a zombie. Yet.

Anyhoo, those are just a couple of theories as to his maddening oral fixation. Another theory you might consider (which I find to be more scientific in its grounding) is that he's just a plain ol' weirdo. Not quite Gonzo, but certainly up there.
Personally, I'd love to get paid to suck on my glasses while harassing hapless folks with condescending questions.

The worst part of all this is that while I was doing my usual detective work and researching this secret flavored eyeglass stem company I just so happened to stumble upon his new product endorsement:

Yep.  Apparently this should be available for purchase sometime later this year.
Or not. The suspense will keep you up all night I'm sure.

So, children, what have we learned today about this wild man Scott Pelley?

1) he is not(yet) a zombie
2) he's got Swedish connections
3) yellow turtlenecks look awful on him
4) maybe he wears pants
5) Mr. Owl is his archnemesis

You may now try to delete all this from your brain. Thank you.

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