Monday, September 2, 2013


Me and my family have been watching "Under the Dome", which, as you might have figured out by now, is based on a book about a sleepy little town that gets unexpectedly(!) caught....under the dome.
Not a dome, but THE dome. The ultimate dome, unlike all those other domes that came before it.
Those were just preparatory domes. This is the real deal. The dome to put all other domes to shame. It's here to show us what domedom really looks like.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about. I'm here to talk about the fact that during every episode me and my family are treated to THIS:

My beautiful wife jokedly named it Splitsy. Splitsy the cow.
Say hi to Splitsy. Splitsy would say moo but unfortunately Splitsy is a bit chopped in half at the moment.

Okay, so the thing is, this was a nice special effects shot which was featured in the pilot episode. It's there to tell us that the network gave the show an above-average special effects budget and we are to be impressed and intrigued and filled with a desire to return to this show to watch similar budgetized special effects.
Or, in the case of this particular program, more Splitsy.
So every episode we get treated to more Splitsy. Let me demonstrate.

Whoa, check that out again. Remember that? That was from the pilot episode! This show totally has an amazingly HUGE budget that they can pull off a crazy thing like THAT.
Yes, that's almost as nasty as the first seven times I saw it.

Poor Splitsy. She can never catch a break.

Actually what the network is telling us is that they could only afford one decent special effects shot and this is it. So they're going to squeeze the most out of their money by inserting this clip in the beginning of each and every episode.
What clip? You know, the one where Splitsy gets chopped in half by the dome:

Yeah. It's that shot again. Are you getting tired of Splitsy yet? Because Splitsy ain't tired of being chopped in half for your viewing pleasure.
Splitsy don't mind. It's all 'bout the ratings, yo.

She knew what she was getting into when she signed the contract...

But in all undue seriousness, the awe and majesty of Splitsy is almost wearing thin.
Not only do they have her in the opening of every episode, they even show her and her split personality during the commercials for the "Under the Dome" DVD collection. You know, the one that doesn't include a Splitsy plush.

I demand a Splitsy plush. >:C (<- this is not to be confused for a DOS command)

I would love to have a nice little Splitsy plush to hold and admire while I watch The Splitsy Show, I mean, Under the Dome every Monday night.

Hmm. Maybe Splitsy should have her own show.

The kiddies will just LOVE it! Half of all their favorite pets, together at last for 30 minutes of fun and adventure. And pools of blood.
I'd watch it.


But anyhoo, so how do you feel about this picture?

What are your thoughts? Does it blow your mind?
Does it bring out your internal desire to stick your head inside a heated waffle iron? Are you fascinated by the image? Are you impressed by my ability to spell 'fascinated' without spellcheck?
Honestly, it's not as great as a Splitsy plush but for now it's as close as we're going to get.

It makes me wonder what was going on in the network meetings for this show.
"Look, Steve, people need to have a reason to come back to this time-waster week after week. Dome shnome; nobody is gonna care about these people trapped under this stupid thing. All these poorly written scripts, bad acting and unoriginal plot structures are gonna wear real thin unless we pump in what the demographic really wants to see."
"And what would that be?"
 *curtain is pulled to reveal...*

Yes, somebody somewhere in networkland decided that viewers would be drawn in every week if the above image were inserted every chance they got within that 1 hour timeslot.

And it's working, apparently. According to Wikipedia, "Under the Dome" has drawn in 17.76 million viewers so far.
You know what that means? That means that 17.76 million viewers have tuned in to be subjected to this:

Ah, good ol' Splitsy. Ain't she a beaut? Those 17.76 million viewers have repeatedly tuned in to witness the splendor that is a cow being chopped in half. Over and over and over again.
No, they don't tune in to watch a poorly developed show based on a Stephen King novel; they tune in so they can catch that shot of the cow getting split in two by the dome.
They keep coming back for more Splitsy. Splitsy's almost like a crack cow. One taste of Splitsy and you're hooked like a phonic.

I mean, without Splitsy the show would lose all purpose. It would cease to be engaging by any standard of the imagination. The ratings would plummet and we'd be left with a show that didn't leave us with the satisfaction that can only be obtained by watching a cow get chopped in half.
I could probably do a better job recreating the frantic action and drama of this program by taking my wife's salad bowl and flipping it over an ant hill.
*insert maniacal laughter*
But Splitsy? No, I think I'd get a bit frowned upon if I tried to recreate Splitsy.

Okay, I'd get frowned upon if I used my wife's salad bowl to cover ant hills. But this is beside the point. The point is, they could've just left Splitsy in the pilot episode, never to show her again.
But then nobody would watch Under the Dome. Obviously it's Splitsy that draws in the viewers. Obviously it's Splitsy that strikes up conversations around the water cooler at work.

It's sad but true. Somewhere out there some poor sap is starting up a Splitsy fan club. Why? No, not because nobody remembers Elf Quest anymore.
Nor is it because they were raised on nothing but Tang and Vienna sausages. It's because nobody can hold back the popularity of Splitsy. NOBODY! The entire show is dependent on her to keep it afloat. And somebody out there will hold a torch for her until the day they die. Or the day their mom comes downstairs into the basement and tells them to stop playing with the gas lighter.
In the world of today it's expected that
somebody somewhere at any given point in time is doing something very very stupid.

Some day somebody in networkland will pause between sips of their triple mocha potato
espresso latte turnip smoothie and decide to finally stop showing Splitsy's big scene.
And on that day I will cry. I'll cry a little tear of relief, because seriously, that was just nasty.

Good riddance to that stupid one-trick cow.
That's good eats right there.

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