Toilet Paper Bears

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I promise this will be the last post for a while that has anything remotely to do with commercials, but I suppose if I'm going to spew forth a rant about toilet paper bears it's best that I do it here, within the comfortable confines of my own little 'blog', than daresay try to express these things within a more physically substantive location, where lies the risk of receiving in return a plethora of horrors such as tranquilizers, applause and/or funny looks.
Don't smile; I'm being serious.

I was sitting on the couch, my brain seething with agony as I waded through madness that mostly involved Wendy's commercials and a talking dog that likes to inform car accident victims of a particular law group...when the Charmin bears appeared on the screen, and do what bears do best. No, not rip limbs off ignorant campers. (though I admit that would sell more toilet paper than this current line of drivel)
The bears used the toilet. And told me, and (to my dismay) my entire family, that since everyone 'goes', "why not enjoy the 'go'"?
Allow me to clarify this situation: I'm getting bathroom advice from a bear.

A bear.

Perhaps I missed some vital piece of knowledge during my youthful educational years, but it was my understanding that bears don't 'go' in a bathroom. They 'go' in the woods.
I even looked up bears on wikipedia and it says nothing about bears 'going' in bathrooms.
I did however read all about some useless bear facts, so thanks Charmin for encouraging such trivial pursuits.

Years ago when they first started these ads, I thought to myself, "That bear isn't doing what I think it's doing.....no, it IS. Great."
It was the fact that the bear was using toilet paper.
I knew(and still know) that bears aren't this hygienic. They 'go'. On the ground. Then they walk away. (now there's a novel idea)
At the time I considered that perhaps bears were being misrepresented by this obscenity, but then I recalled the long, ugly, drawn out history of bear fallacies.
Smokey, Yogi, Pooh(ironic), Paddington, Country Bears, Berenstain Bears, Carebears, Coca-Cola bears, Chicago Bears, Gummy Bears(the 80's show, not those delicious little snacks) etc etc etc.

But this bear was using toilet paper.
And then, to my absolute horror, the toilet paper bear had friends. And then his entire family was using toilet paper.
And then his family moved into a house. A real house.
It's kind of like that scene in Scarface when Al Pacino and Michelle Pfeiffer bought that mansion.
But with bears. And toilet paper instead of cocaine.

Hm. I'd watch that.

Anyway. I just wanted to say how much I detest the idea of a bear telling me(and my family) to enjoy 'go' time.
'Go' time is a necessity. Yes, one could even say a bear necessity. It should never be cataloged under the category of "Things I enjoy doing each and every day of my pitiful existence.".
If you asked me what the best part of my day is, I would never answer, "Oh boy, it's when I get to 'go'! I get so excited every time I feel a tremor in my bowels I run up and down with glee until I get to my very special spot: the toilet. That's where the magic happens!" 

No. See, the toilet paper part of the 'go' isn't really the controlling factor in my bathroom-visiting decisions. It really boils down to whether or not I need to 'go' to the bathroom. I've never had a sudden urge to relieve myself but stopped and said to myself, "Gee, I really need to take care of this, but golly darn gosh that toilet paper just isn't my bag."
If this were really the case I would've exploded at age 10.
And it would've been very messy.

Toilet paper is more of an evolutionary  afterthought that is intended to separate the socially acceptable folk from, say, the ones that 'go' on the ground and walk away.
The ones who want to join the glee club versus the ones that don't care about the stink dripping from the back of their pant legs.
Bears neither join glee clubs nor do they wear pants. They don't put out fires either but I'll try to let that one slide.

No, see, it's obvious I don't get caught up in this sort of thing. And neither should a bear.
They should 'go'. On the ground. Then they should walk away.
Instead these bears, much like bored crack addicts, are constantly trying to improve their toilet paper:

Who can tell me what is wrong with the above picture? Besides the fact that she has something in common with Kim Kardashian.

This image isn't really encouraging me to go out and buy Charmin products. If anything it's encouraging me to go prod my brain out with a toilet brush.
And when I say go, I don't mean 'go'.

I don't need my rear end sparkling like Edward the vampire. I don't need my toilet paper quilted with 20 layers of titanium polycarbonate vitamin-infused fuzzy mesh. I don't need to put more thought into my 'go' than necessary. And I certainly don't need my family subjected to this horrific obsession-induced insanity.

Every time those commercials come on I'm suddenly filled with an intense urge to throw a pillow at the TV and shout, "My go time's none of your business, you stupid fake bears!!!""
And say it like Tony Montana.
Fortunately for the dear sake of my family I've managed to restrain myself each time.

In the end it really all boils down to a simple word of advice: only you can prevent toilet paper bears.




*the term 'go' being used within this post is intended to refer to the action of releasing excrement from the bowels during a typical time seated on a toilet and should not be confused with any other definition of the word 'go'.